April 4, 2010 - HAPPY EASTER!!

I love holidays - I love parties in general. I always go overboard, taking the time to decorate, set tables and plan games and activities. All of my daughters laugh at me - though they love it. And though they're older now - if they live in my house, the Easter Bunny leaves them a basket.

HOWEVER, for several years holidays were a scary proposition for us because they always ended in a huge tantrum by my daughter. From the time that she was four until she was ten or eleven, I don't think that there was a holiday that didn't end with me dragging her out kicking and screaming. To add to the stress, most of that time I also had to deal with my family thinking that she was spoiled and rude and that she somehow deserved it when another child hit her or the group ostracized her. All they saw was the end result, not the gradual building of anxiety that facilitated the tantrum. And I'll admit that for many years I didn't understand it either.

What I eventually learned about my daughter, even before her diagnosis of Asperger's, is - in those situations she was extremely over-stimulated. She couldn't handle the loud conversations, the loud laughter, the mix of people - all wanting to shake her hand or hug her at hello. She'd been attending big family parties since infancy, yet all of a sudden she couldn't handle it. She would start out well, but would soon start to act agitated, rejecting adult interaction (which made her seem "rude" to other adults and honestly, embarrassed me) and when I'd tell her to go play, she would ultimately end up in a skirmish with one of her cousins. Because she was crying and upset, I would try to quiet her down, which would make things worse because (and this is very important) I wasn't "hearing" her. She needed a voice, she needed to tell me what she felt and needed, but she didn't have the vocabulary to articulate that. She was just overwhelmed by anxiety and the tantrum would escalate to the point of my other daughter hurriedly grabbing all of our things and me physically dragging her out. Once she was away from the situation and calmed down, she would immediately become very remorseful, apologizing over and over. She didn't understand any better than I did why she behaved in such a way.

At first I started declining invitations, we would make plans for our family alone at holidays, or miss birthday parties - but my family, including my daughter, missed the big crazy family get-togethers. So, we came up with a trial plan that included her Nintendo DS and her earbuds. If she could make it through the hellos, she could sit somewhere and play her DS with her earphones in. And it worked! She wanted to be around others, and was able to be without the noise causing her anxiety. I also started making sure that there was a room where she could go to be alone for a while until she felt calm enough to re-join the party. This headed off the tantrum because she was self-aware enough to recognize when she was feeling anxious. Gradually she would join the other children, and move back and forth between her spot with the DS and the playroom. Once we had the diagnosis and I started researching and learning about her disorder, I understood that the touching, noise, smells and other stimuli were just too much without some sort of accommodations in place to make her comfortable. Other examples are no hugging without asking first (opening your arms and asking "can I have a hug" has become a staple at our get-togethers - and there can't be resentment if the answer is "no") and making sure that there's a food that she likes available so that she doesn't feel the pressure of trying to eat something that she can't stand. Another solution, which isn't always an option, is outdoor functions. The open space seems to really alleviate her anxiety. The weather was so good this year that we were able to do Thanksgiving in the backyard - this was a first for all of us, so it was fun for everyone.

Now, we host most of our family holiday get togethers. Not because of my daughter's needs, but because we love it. She loves the traditions (God help me if I try to change things around - Aspies are very regimented), loves the creativity of decorating and truly enjoys her family in her own way. Today we're hosting twenty-one family and friends - something that would have been impossible a couple of years ago. My daughter has planned all of the activities and plans on handling face painting on her own.

All of this has come from trial and error. It took us awhile to figure out what works and what doesn't and sometimes there are still tears and frustration, but the way that we handle the breakdowns and her recovery and ability to rejoin the group has become manageable. To add to the success of this part of our story - the fact that our family and inner circle has come on board with my daughter's disorder and they understand and respect her limitations - but most importantly they all love her just as she is.

So, Happy Easter and remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!