My daughter had a field trip today to the San Jose Tech Museum. She was incredibly excited about it - she loves anything science, and this is a hands-on museum. We even made it to the school by 6:45 am - which is horrendously early for any field trip! Once we were there I scoped out the group and watched my daughter interact. No surprises, she retreated to the side of the room with a flat expression, waiting to be told where to go. I looked at the list of girls that she would be driving with - I didn't recognize any of the names, but one of the girls had participated in the Renaissance Faire with my daughter and her mom was driving, so I thought it would be a good fit for her.
Then, the inner struggle started...Should I go speak with the mom and tell her that my daughter is an Aspie? Should I try to get her into the car with a girl I know has been kind to her? Or, do I just let her go and trust that she'll be able to handle it? This was a lose-lose situation. If I spoke with the mother, she might feel obligated to "baby" my daughter, which would make her feel uncomfortable. If I didn't speak with her, my daughter's needs might not be met. I opted not to say anything - I reasoned that the teacher was there and he's very informed on my daughter's disorder. I repeatedly reminded her not to wander away from the group, and to try to have a conversation with the other girls. This turned out to be the wrong decision - OF COURSE! One of the comorbid conditions that my daughter has is a speed processing delay, which means that it takes her a bit longer to process information and get it down on paper. She also gets hyper-focused - especially in hands-on museums. This field trip included an assignment, where the students were required to answer questions about specific exhibits on a form, to be turned in on Monday. Well - the other girls were rushing through each exhibit, with my daughter trailing behind. She couldn't get the information that she needed to complete her assignments, and more distressing to her, she didn't get to touch any of the exhibits. When she tried to tell the other girls, a couple of them got snarky and told her that was on her and it was her problem. I always assume that other children will show kindness to my daughter, and I'm always disappointed that they don't. On a side note - this is why children and educators MUST be educated on autism and Apserger's. Maybe with knowledge will come compassion and tolerance. I can't tell you the number of times that my daughter has been mistreated by a teacher or other students. It's no wonder that she's non-verbal in these situations.
Ugh! I should have followed my instincts. I should have taken the mother aside and told her about my daughter being an Aspie and told her that she might need a little extra encouragement or time to complete her assignment and look at each exhibit. Better yet, I should have just gone on the field trip with her. It's so hard to find the balance between being my daughter's advocate and encouraging independence. I know that I can't be at her side at all times and I think that she enjoys going off on her own once in a while. And no matter what happens, she's always excited about field trips and school activities and is eager to participate. She has amazing resilience. So - my lesson learned for today? Follow my freaking instincts. If I come across as over-protective, so be it! When I asked my daughter how she felt deep inside about the experience, she said "I didn't have an experience! And deep down I just feel aggravated". She wasn't aggravated at the mean girls, she was aggravated that she didn't get to fully participate in the activities. I promised her that I'll take her back to the museum for the entire day in the Summer so that she can touch every exhibit and spend as much time on each as she likes.
When I speak with my daughter about these types of experiences, she doesn't seem to have any lasting emotional distress over them, but I feel like each experience is a brick that goes on the wall that she's slowly building around herself. On this note, I'll quickly say that for these reasons, it's so important for girls with Asperger's, especially adolescents to have access to quality programs that include other girls with the same or similar disorders. There are no gender specific programs in our area, which is something that I intend to address - I'll blog about that later.
So, moms and dads - no matter how educated and informed we become on Asperger's and the appropriate interventions - the most important thing that we should rely on is our instincts.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
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