My daughter likes to twirl - turn around and around in circles until she's dizzy. Then she keeps going. The therapist says that she's self-regulating. I know this. I KNOW!!! Stress creates a need for her to do this. If she wasn't allowed to self-regulate, she'd feel infinitely more anxious. I KNOW THIS, TOO! So why do I feel so sad that she does it? Is it because I know that when someone outside our circle sees her, they'll judge her as impaired? Is it because I'm afraid that someone will make fun of her or hurt her because of her differences? Probably, yes to both questions. For all of my preaching that "DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL", I still feel sad and scared for her. I want so much for her to have a productive, happy and satisfying life. I believe that this will happen, it's me who has to change my view of what that means for her. Me - I have to accept that her life is her own, and that she'll define her own successes. It's my job to protect her whenever possible, to teach her life lessons that might not be as obvious to her as other girls, and to make her feel safe to be who she is.
I'm not a perfect parent. I still feel grief and guilt over my daughter's disorder. Every parent wants the perfect child - of course none of us get one (and if we think we have one - we're delusional!). I love my daughter - I love her with all of my heart and soul - but I'm afraid for her and I'm afraid that in addition to all of the barriers that she'll undoubtedly face, I'll fail her as well, because I can't let go of my pre-conceived idea of what she should be.
But, when I strip away my own ego and see her twirling through an untainted lens, that twirling girl, with her hair whipping out around her is the most beautiful thing in the world.
I have to remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
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Cindi the tears have unexpectedly dropped from my eyes because I feel your struggle with every thing you said! You know and believe everything you say to be true however it doesn't stop the fear and uncertainty from creeping in. So I know how you feel. I love your article in the brutal sense of your honesty. I've had just a horrible week personally and feeling quite defeated you always put a smile on my face and remind me I'm not alone, your thoughts give me the extra strength! Thank you again for your raw honesty! And your daughter is so fortunate to have such a wonderful and beautiful mom as her biggest fan!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Beatris, I really need these words of encouragement today. I'm sorry that you had a rough week - let me know if I can help - you're not alone.
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