Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Father Storms Bus Confronts Bullies
I'm adding a link to an article outlining a recent incident where a father boarded a school bus and confronted the bullies of his disabled daughter. This is an issue that is epidemic in this country - and an issue that is particularly dangerous for already fragile individuals, who seem to be the target of bullying. Children with Asperger's who are socially awkward, often find themselves bullied, as well as socially isolated. It's time that parents hold school and work officials accountable for allowing this culture to continue! While I don't advocate the method with which this dad confronted the bullies involved, I certainly understand the frustration and rage.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
September 16, 2010 - Changes, Changes, Changes
A while back my daughter's therapist told me that children with Asperger's tend to mature in spikes - they might spend a couple of years seemingly behind their peers in maturity and topics of interest and then they'll catch up very quickly, level out for a while and then can fall behind again.
Well, we're going through a spike! My daughter turned thirteen a couple of weeks ago and that seems to have been a catalyst to some changes in attitude and personal appearance.
A couple of months ago she asked me if she could dye her hair purple. I said maybe not her whole head, but would compromise and let her get purple highlights. Her hair turned out great - she loves it. Then she bought make-up with her birthday money - nothing drastic - just light colors. Ok, so I'm still good. Then she asked me to pluck her eyebrows - ok. Then she asked me to curl her hair before school one day. Still ok. And finally, two days ago she wore eyeliner to school! Dark eyeliner!! The next day, I was able to get over my shock enough to make some suggestions about eyeshadow and light lip gloss. My brain is still trying to catch up. This is a girl who I had to harass into the shower two months ago. She rarely showed any interest in fashion, no interest in make-up or her personal appearance. She's always loved to accessorize - which I've always found a contradiction to her otherwise lack of interest in all things fashion - but she loves hats and jewelry. I'm happy that she's finally taking pride in the way that she looks. She has a very strong sense of herself and still doesn't follow trend - which I love about her. So while she's showing an increased interest in dressing and make-up and hair, which is all typical thirteen-year-old behavior, she's not buckling to fashion pressure.
I find myself in the strange position of trying to allow her to be herself and making sure that the amount of make-up that she wears and her new obsession with her hair is balanced and appropriate. Today her therapist made a comment about her eyeliner - in a positive way, but still, letting me know that she noticed. I wanted to ask her if it was appropriate - then realized that that's a parental decision and one that I have to make on my own. I think it's time to have the "boy talk", too. Yikes - not looking forward to that one. I've read that Aspies and other adolescents on the spectrum can be vulnerable in personal relationships, including romantic and/or sexual relationships. This is why it's very important for parents to have a good understanding of how their child is feeling about physical attraction to another person. Making sure that they understand appropriate behavior in these situations will protect them from others who might take advantage of them, as well as guide them in their own behavior and responses to others.
And the journey continues...
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Well, we're going through a spike! My daughter turned thirteen a couple of weeks ago and that seems to have been a catalyst to some changes in attitude and personal appearance.
A couple of months ago she asked me if she could dye her hair purple. I said maybe not her whole head, but would compromise and let her get purple highlights. Her hair turned out great - she loves it. Then she bought make-up with her birthday money - nothing drastic - just light colors. Ok, so I'm still good. Then she asked me to pluck her eyebrows - ok. Then she asked me to curl her hair before school one day. Still ok. And finally, two days ago she wore eyeliner to school! Dark eyeliner!! The next day, I was able to get over my shock enough to make some suggestions about eyeshadow and light lip gloss. My brain is still trying to catch up. This is a girl who I had to harass into the shower two months ago. She rarely showed any interest in fashion, no interest in make-up or her personal appearance. She's always loved to accessorize - which I've always found a contradiction to her otherwise lack of interest in all things fashion - but she loves hats and jewelry. I'm happy that she's finally taking pride in the way that she looks. She has a very strong sense of herself and still doesn't follow trend - which I love about her. So while she's showing an increased interest in dressing and make-up and hair, which is all typical thirteen-year-old behavior, she's not buckling to fashion pressure.
I find myself in the strange position of trying to allow her to be herself and making sure that the amount of make-up that she wears and her new obsession with her hair is balanced and appropriate. Today her therapist made a comment about her eyeliner - in a positive way, but still, letting me know that she noticed. I wanted to ask her if it was appropriate - then realized that that's a parental decision and one that I have to make on my own. I think it's time to have the "boy talk", too. Yikes - not looking forward to that one. I've read that Aspies and other adolescents on the spectrum can be vulnerable in personal relationships, including romantic and/or sexual relationships. This is why it's very important for parents to have a good understanding of how their child is feeling about physical attraction to another person. Making sure that they understand appropriate behavior in these situations will protect them from others who might take advantage of them, as well as guide them in their own behavior and responses to others.
And the journey continues...
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Monday, September 13, 2010
September 14, 2010 - And We're Off...
Back to school! I start each school year with a mixture of fear, anxiety, apprehension and hopefulness. I worry on multiple levels - first - will my daughter's teachers be on board with her IEP accommodations? How much of a bitch do I have to be this year and how soon should I start? How will she react to the new environment? Will she verbalize her needs or become non-verbal, with teachers calling me out because they see her as obstinate?
Then there's the worry on the social level - will my daughter be able to make friends? Will the children who were nice to her last year come through this year? Will she be isolated? Will she eat lunch alone? Etc., etc., etc.
I think my daughter usually starts each school year with almost identical emotions - fear, anxiety and hopefulness. I think she's truly more optimistic than I am - or maybe she tells herself and me what she thinks I want to hear - "It's going to be different this year" "I'm going to try really hard this year" "The kids seem much nicer than last year - I bet I'll have friends this year" and worst of all "Don't worry".
But I have to tell you - this year feels different. Somehow, this beautiful, grounded, confident girl has emerged. She goes to bed on time, wakes on time - and in a good mood! She follows the morning routine with minimal guidance from me, she picks out her own clothes (well - really, she costumes, more than dresses - haha!!), she does her homework without me having to badger her - it's been miraculous really. And most shocking - late last week, she advocated on her own behalf! She approached the principal of her school and let her know that she was in the wrong first period class and wanted to move to another. Then she told the principal that she would appreciate it if she could handle the situation as soon as possible and then rushed off, stating that she didn't want to be late for class. Amazing! Just amazing!!
Most beautiful to see - today when I picked her up from school, she came out of the building with another girl - laughing! Ha! I sat in my car and cried as I watched her laugh and say her good-byes to her classmates. Last year at this time, I would feel victorious if she lifted her head and made eye contact with another child or could make it through the day without a full-blown meltdown. It's still so early in the year, we're just two weeks in - but I feel so hopeful and proud. Somewhere along the way, my daughter packed away the tools that we've been giving her to navigate and flourish in her world. This isn't to say that we're out of the woods - we still have to work through so many obstacles - there are still meltdowns occasionally - I'll write about that later, though - today I just want to bask in my pride in the young woman that my daughter has become and say my silent prayers that it continues.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Then there's the worry on the social level - will my daughter be able to make friends? Will the children who were nice to her last year come through this year? Will she be isolated? Will she eat lunch alone? Etc., etc., etc.
I think my daughter usually starts each school year with almost identical emotions - fear, anxiety and hopefulness. I think she's truly more optimistic than I am - or maybe she tells herself and me what she thinks I want to hear - "It's going to be different this year" "I'm going to try really hard this year" "The kids seem much nicer than last year - I bet I'll have friends this year" and worst of all "Don't worry".
But I have to tell you - this year feels different. Somehow, this beautiful, grounded, confident girl has emerged. She goes to bed on time, wakes on time - and in a good mood! She follows the morning routine with minimal guidance from me, she picks out her own clothes (well - really, she costumes, more than dresses - haha!!), she does her homework without me having to badger her - it's been miraculous really. And most shocking - late last week, she advocated on her own behalf! She approached the principal of her school and let her know that she was in the wrong first period class and wanted to move to another. Then she told the principal that she would appreciate it if she could handle the situation as soon as possible and then rushed off, stating that she didn't want to be late for class. Amazing! Just amazing!!
Most beautiful to see - today when I picked her up from school, she came out of the building with another girl - laughing! Ha! I sat in my car and cried as I watched her laugh and say her good-byes to her classmates. Last year at this time, I would feel victorious if she lifted her head and made eye contact with another child or could make it through the day without a full-blown meltdown. It's still so early in the year, we're just two weeks in - but I feel so hopeful and proud. Somewhere along the way, my daughter packed away the tools that we've been giving her to navigate and flourish in her world. This isn't to say that we're out of the woods - we still have to work through so many obstacles - there are still meltdowns occasionally - I'll write about that later, though - today I just want to bask in my pride in the young woman that my daughter has become and say my silent prayers that it continues.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
iHelp for Autism
I've posted an article from San Francisco Weekly about the remarkable benefits being shown by the new iPad for children on the autism spectrum. Please read - it's amazing!!
August 17, 2010 - Disclaimer
We have a family member visiting this week whom my daughter hadn't met before. I always feel a little uneasy when my daughter is being introduced to new people because I never know how she'll react to them. She could be non-verbal and not make eye contact, never really warming up to that person - which is always uncomfortable because she can seem rude when in this mode. Or she can be verbal - but in a very direct way, which again can seem rude. This often leads me to issue a disclaimer explaining that my daughter has Asperger's and might seem a little rude, but not to take it personally, etc., etc. I'm going to work on not doing this anymore because I don't think that it benefits us or the situation. More often than not we go through a process where she's stand-offish and then verbal in a direct way and then she warms to the person - which is great - but that person can become an object of intense attention. She has to show every piece of art work she's ever done, show off her room and all of her treasures and tell every story that she can think of. She will also interrupt conversations - not because she's rude - but because she likes the new person and wants to be friendly and participate in the conversation, this is where my interventions start. I try to gauge how tolerant the visitor is to her attention and then I gently direct her to other activities or gently tell her that she's interrupting and to please let whoever's speaking finish. She's always very responsive to these interventions - but bursting at the seam to get in there.
Thank goodness my cousin is a tolerant person and gets a kick out of my daughter's directness, which can be funny at times. The positive in these situations is that there's a chance that she will be willing to participate in conversations and interact with new people - not long ago she couldn't manage this - she would almost always be non-verbal and not make eye contact. So while I might feel a little discomfort - it's well worth it to see her interacting (even if it's in her unique way) with people outside her normal circle of family and friends.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Thank goodness my cousin is a tolerant person and gets a kick out of my daughter's directness, which can be funny at times. The positive in these situations is that there's a chance that she will be willing to participate in conversations and interact with new people - not long ago she couldn't manage this - she would almost always be non-verbal and not make eye contact. So while I might feel a little discomfort - it's well worth it to see her interacting (even if it's in her unique way) with people outside her normal circle of family and friends.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
August 8, 2010 - The Telephone - YIKES!!
I can often go days or weeks without realizing that my daughter is different - this is probably because her quirks have become so well known to me that they seem normal. But this week I had a glaring neon sign put in my face - it said ASPIE! ASPIE! ASPIE!
My daughter's birthday party is coming up soon and we're sending out e-vites. We don't have email addresses for all of the girls that she wants to invite, so I had her call a friend from school to get her email address and the email addresses of a few of the other girls on the invite list. Well - this completely undid her! The thought of calling someone on the phone stressed her out completely. She has this thing where, when you answer the phone and say hello, she says hello back, and then if you say hello again, she says hello back again. She doesn't say "is so-and-so there?" or "hi, this is ..." when the person on the other end says hello. I'm used to this so when she says hello the second time, I usually will just start the conversation. Well, other people don't know this of course, so when she called her friend and her friend's brother answered the phone, he hung up on her after the second round of hellos. I called back and when he answered asked for the girl then handed the phone to my daughter. When the girl came on the phone and said hello my daughter didn't say anything back! I had to tell her exactly what to say through the entire conversation. It was so awkward!!
This experience taught me a few things: first - because my daughter hasn't had friends from school before now, she hasn't had the opportunity to have phone conversations with friends or individuals outside of her family circle; second - we really need to practice phone etiquette; and finally and more importantly, she's spent the last couple of years learning to model her social interactions based on facial expressions and body language - social pragmatics - but, on the phone she can't see a person's face or their body language, so she has no idea how they're responding to what she's saying.
This week we'll be practicing - I'm going to call her on her cell phone and give her different scenarios so that she'll understand the appropriate answers and or behavior during phone calls. Just one more life lesson coming at the most unexpected time - continuing the journey!!
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
My daughter's birthday party is coming up soon and we're sending out e-vites. We don't have email addresses for all of the girls that she wants to invite, so I had her call a friend from school to get her email address and the email addresses of a few of the other girls on the invite list. Well - this completely undid her! The thought of calling someone on the phone stressed her out completely. She has this thing where, when you answer the phone and say hello, she says hello back, and then if you say hello again, she says hello back again. She doesn't say "is so-and-so there?" or "hi, this is ..." when the person on the other end says hello. I'm used to this so when she says hello the second time, I usually will just start the conversation. Well, other people don't know this of course, so when she called her friend and her friend's brother answered the phone, he hung up on her after the second round of hellos. I called back and when he answered asked for the girl then handed the phone to my daughter. When the girl came on the phone and said hello my daughter didn't say anything back! I had to tell her exactly what to say through the entire conversation. It was so awkward!!
This experience taught me a few things: first - because my daughter hasn't had friends from school before now, she hasn't had the opportunity to have phone conversations with friends or individuals outside of her family circle; second - we really need to practice phone etiquette; and finally and more importantly, she's spent the last couple of years learning to model her social interactions based on facial expressions and body language - social pragmatics - but, on the phone she can't see a person's face or their body language, so she has no idea how they're responding to what she's saying.
This week we'll be practicing - I'm going to call her on her cell phone and give her different scenarios so that she'll understand the appropriate answers and or behavior during phone calls. Just one more life lesson coming at the most unexpected time - continuing the journey!!
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
August 3, 2010 - Spur of the Moment!
One of the things that's been hardest for me to adjust to with my daughter's disorder is her lack of spontaneity. I raised my older daughters with an adventurous spirit - we'd decide at the last minute to go to the beach, or to the snow - no plans. I would just pack us a couple of changes of clothing and a picnic and we'd be off. We had some of the most fantastic experiences this way. However, my daughter has issues with being spontaneous on any level. I was feeling a bit stressed out last week and wanted to get out of town for the day. I thought a drive up to the beach would be perfect. We could throw our bikes on our rack and drive the couple of hours there, spend some time on the beach, have lunch, shop and head home.
Sounds great right?
Not so much to my daughter. She needed to know why we were going, what we would be doing, how long we would be there, what we would eat, etc., etc., etc. This just really added to my stress - then I realized that she wasn't being obstinate or unappreciative - she was just being an Aspie. She needs control over her environment - not knowing what to expect is stressful for her, so she wants as much information as possible. So I gave her an outline of what to expect - she still wasn't thrilled. I finally told her that it was fine if she didn't want to go, but I was still going. This kind of jarred her. She's used to me being a little more accommodating than I was that day. A little later she came into my room as I was putting my bag together and told me that she'd be going with me. She wasn't terribly excited - haha! But she put herself out there and took a chance that things would be okay.
And as expected we had a great time! Her response to the water is always amazing - she played in the surf and collected sea shells and rocks. We walked for hours. Then we shopped a little, had lunch and then took a long bike ride along the beach. It was a fantastic day - she kept saying "this is so nice". It taught us both a lesson -her lesson is that it's okay to be spontaneous, to trust herself and me when we're not quite sure what's going to happen. And it taught me that it's okay to be a little less accommodating - to push her limits in order to show her new ways of thinking and behaving - to trust myself that I won't damage her irreparably. The experience provided a positive experience that will be an example for her the next time she's asked to do something outside of her comfort zone.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Sounds great right?
Not so much to my daughter. She needed to know why we were going, what we would be doing, how long we would be there, what we would eat, etc., etc., etc. This just really added to my stress - then I realized that she wasn't being obstinate or unappreciative - she was just being an Aspie. She needs control over her environment - not knowing what to expect is stressful for her, so she wants as much information as possible. So I gave her an outline of what to expect - she still wasn't thrilled. I finally told her that it was fine if she didn't want to go, but I was still going. This kind of jarred her. She's used to me being a little more accommodating than I was that day. A little later she came into my room as I was putting my bag together and told me that she'd be going with me. She wasn't terribly excited - haha! But she put herself out there and took a chance that things would be okay.
And as expected we had a great time! Her response to the water is always amazing - she played in the surf and collected sea shells and rocks. We walked for hours. Then we shopped a little, had lunch and then took a long bike ride along the beach. It was a fantastic day - she kept saying "this is so nice". It taught us both a lesson -her lesson is that it's okay to be spontaneous, to trust herself and me when we're not quite sure what's going to happen. And it taught me that it's okay to be a little less accommodating - to push her limits in order to show her new ways of thinking and behaving - to trust myself that I won't damage her irreparably. The experience provided a positive experience that will be an example for her the next time she's asked to do something outside of her comfort zone.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)