There's a fantastic article in Rolling Stone's latest issue detailing the life and limitations of a surfer with Asperger's. It shows how the obsessive presentation in Aspies can give them great accomplishment and joy, but also shows that when those accomplishments lead to expectations from others - the inability to navigate social and competitive norms can create overwhelming anxiety. Here's the citation:
Solotaroff, Paul. "The Surfing Savant." Rolling Stone 15 Apr. 2010: 54-61. Print
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Resource for Girls 10-18 Years Old
Drama & Social Skills Workshops for Girls (10-18 yrs) - Sacramento Area
A series of drama and social skills workshops have been organized for girls! The workshops are being presented by Amelia Davies and John Stamm, who are well known by FEAT parents for their fun & innovative drama/social skills classes that have helped many young folks to shine in this new form of self expression.
These workshops are being offered at this time for girls only, ages 10-18, who may or may not have an identified disability. It is a fantastic opportunity for our daughters and students to practice peer interaction in a playful and comfortable manner.
The class needs a minimum of eight students to actually take place. We currently have four interested in attending. Please pass this along to anyone who you think might be interested or for more information, please email girlwithaspergers@gmail.com.
A series of drama and social skills workshops have been organized for girls! The workshops are being presented by Amelia Davies and John Stamm, who are well known by FEAT parents for their fun & innovative drama/social skills classes that have helped many young folks to shine in this new form of self expression.
These workshops are being offered at this time for girls only, ages 10-18, who may or may not have an identified disability. It is a fantastic opportunity for our daughters and students to practice peer interaction in a playful and comfortable manner.
The class needs a minimum of eight students to actually take place. We currently have four interested in attending. Please pass this along to anyone who you think might be interested or for more information, please email girlwithaspergers@gmail.com.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
April 6, 2010 - FULL-BLOWN MELTDOWN
Yesterday was a good day. My daughter made it out the door and to school without incident, she had a healthy, balanced dinner - and best of all - Girl Scouts. This particular meeting was especially important because the girls were able to bring their pets to the meeting. My daughter was chomping at the bit to get going. The meeting went well, the dog only slightly misbehaved and we were home early enough to get some homework in.
Then - a trauma. My daughter was sitting on the couch with her pug puppy on her lap, when the other dog (also a pug) jumped up and tried to get my daughter's attention. The dogs began to seriously attack each other. That was the first time that the dogs had ever behaved that way, so she tried to break them apart. I was on the phone at the time and tried to stay on the phone and pull them apart, unsuccessfully. When I pulled at the dog, I also pushed at my daughter, trying to separate them and I accidentally pushed on her throat instead of her chest. My only goal was to separate the dogs and to get them away from her, but in her mind the chaos of the dogs attacking each other (one of them bit her hand), and me pushing her was too much. She kept asking me why I'd pushed her throat. I kept telling her it was an accident, but she couldn't register it.
This led to hysteria and hyerventilation, to the point where I thought she was going to pass out. The skirmish only lasted a couple of minutes, but the aftermath lasted for the rest of the night. My goal was to get her calm enough that she could get her breathing regulated. I tried sitting and talking with her very calmly, putting her hand on my chest so that she could feel my calm breathing pattern - I just couldn't get her calmed down. Everytime she remembered what happened, she'd get upset all over again. I kept telling her that the dogs were fine, that she was safe and reassured her that I was there for her. Finally, after an hour or so, she calmed down, though she was completely shut down afterward. She emotionally checked out - which is common for her after a full-blown meltdown. It's kind of a blank stare - she's responsive, but not fully engaged. It generally takes her the rest of the day to recover, which could mean missing school. It's best to give her time to veg out or sleep for a time to recharge her batteries.
These meltdowns are always scary and it's painful to see her in so much pain and turmoil - especially when I know that most people would just process the incident, and might be shaken, but not completely knocked out by it. As her parent, I want to cry right along with her and beg her to be ok, to just stop - it all seems so surreal when its happening. Ultimately, these incidents are rare these days - but they're a reminder that we're not out of the woods just yet. Each one can be a lesson, if we take a careful look.
Remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.
Then - a trauma. My daughter was sitting on the couch with her pug puppy on her lap, when the other dog (also a pug) jumped up and tried to get my daughter's attention. The dogs began to seriously attack each other. That was the first time that the dogs had ever behaved that way, so she tried to break them apart. I was on the phone at the time and tried to stay on the phone and pull them apart, unsuccessfully. When I pulled at the dog, I also pushed at my daughter, trying to separate them and I accidentally pushed on her throat instead of her chest. My only goal was to separate the dogs and to get them away from her, but in her mind the chaos of the dogs attacking each other (one of them bit her hand), and me pushing her was too much. She kept asking me why I'd pushed her throat. I kept telling her it was an accident, but she couldn't register it.
This led to hysteria and hyerventilation, to the point where I thought she was going to pass out. The skirmish only lasted a couple of minutes, but the aftermath lasted for the rest of the night. My goal was to get her calm enough that she could get her breathing regulated. I tried sitting and talking with her very calmly, putting her hand on my chest so that she could feel my calm breathing pattern - I just couldn't get her calmed down. Everytime she remembered what happened, she'd get upset all over again. I kept telling her that the dogs were fine, that she was safe and reassured her that I was there for her. Finally, after an hour or so, she calmed down, though she was completely shut down afterward. She emotionally checked out - which is common for her after a full-blown meltdown. It's kind of a blank stare - she's responsive, but not fully engaged. It generally takes her the rest of the day to recover, which could mean missing school. It's best to give her time to veg out or sleep for a time to recharge her batteries.
These meltdowns are always scary and it's painful to see her in so much pain and turmoil - especially when I know that most people would just process the incident, and might be shaken, but not completely knocked out by it. As her parent, I want to cry right along with her and beg her to be ok, to just stop - it all seems so surreal when its happening. Ultimately, these incidents are rare these days - but they're a reminder that we're not out of the woods just yet. Each one can be a lesson, if we take a careful look.
Remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.
Monday, April 5, 2010
April 5, 2010 - GETTING OUT THE DOOR
Getting out the door on time for school is always hit and miss for us. My daughter is NOT a morning person. She's nocturnal by nature and has trouble with quality sleep. That said, she's also quite the pill if she's rushed in the morning - she has to be eased into the day.
Our routine goes like this - I spend about 15 minutes waking her up. I try, then walk away, come back and try again, walk away - and then usually on the third try she's awake. I make sure that I ask her if she wants breakfast first thing (usually cereal) - and yes, I let her eat in bed during the week. After that she's awake and ready to start the day. Since she could care less about what she wears to school (other than comfort), I'll generally have her pick out what she's going to wear the night before or, I'll admit - I'll pick something out and lay it on the bed. She dresses (usually forgetting shoes), then I remind her of every detail - to brush her teeth, brush her hair, put her socks and shoes on - and all this time she's constantly distracted by something else, usually her animals (three dogs and a cat) and I'm re-directing her attention to the task at hand. After she's fed and dressed, it's on to the backpack - which by the way is ridiculously heavy - to make sure that she has all of her books, assignments and homework. She also has to have the book that she's reading with her at all times - so we have to make sure that it makes it into the backpack. Also, we have to make sure that she has her phone, her inhaler, a pencil and whatever chotsky that she's attached herself to at the time. After all of this we head towards the door, but then the "good-byes" and loves start with each of the animals. She has to pet and kiss each one - and then FINALLY, we're out the door, her backpack has to go in the truck of the car, not the backseat - and then fifty percent of the time something is forgotten and I run in to get whatever it is -and run back to the car - and we're off. Once at school I drop her off in front of the school and have to wait until she's in the school building before I can drive off. If I drive off before she's in the building, she'll call me and ask me why I drove off before I was supposed to. This really upsets her, so I wait the few seconds that it takes.
This probably sounds insane to most people, but it's a routine that works for us - and it certainly beats the morning tantrums that I experienced several times a week when I was working. Each family has to come up with their own routine - but I guarantee that once it's established, it will create a system of control that's manageable vs. the chaos that once ruled. Ultimately, my goal is to make sure that my daughter is a self-sufficient, regulated person on her own, but without the established routine, she seemed to flounder. Next up - letting her get out the door before she realizes that she doesn't have shoes on.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL
Our routine goes like this - I spend about 15 minutes waking her up. I try, then walk away, come back and try again, walk away - and then usually on the third try she's awake. I make sure that I ask her if she wants breakfast first thing (usually cereal) - and yes, I let her eat in bed during the week. After that she's awake and ready to start the day. Since she could care less about what she wears to school (other than comfort), I'll generally have her pick out what she's going to wear the night before or, I'll admit - I'll pick something out and lay it on the bed. She dresses (usually forgetting shoes), then I remind her of every detail - to brush her teeth, brush her hair, put her socks and shoes on - and all this time she's constantly distracted by something else, usually her animals (three dogs and a cat) and I'm re-directing her attention to the task at hand. After she's fed and dressed, it's on to the backpack - which by the way is ridiculously heavy - to make sure that she has all of her books, assignments and homework. She also has to have the book that she's reading with her at all times - so we have to make sure that it makes it into the backpack. Also, we have to make sure that she has her phone, her inhaler, a pencil and whatever chotsky that she's attached herself to at the time. After all of this we head towards the door, but then the "good-byes" and loves start with each of the animals. She has to pet and kiss each one - and then FINALLY, we're out the door, her backpack has to go in the truck of the car, not the backseat - and then fifty percent of the time something is forgotten and I run in to get whatever it is -and run back to the car - and we're off. Once at school I drop her off in front of the school and have to wait until she's in the school building before I can drive off. If I drive off before she's in the building, she'll call me and ask me why I drove off before I was supposed to. This really upsets her, so I wait the few seconds that it takes.
This probably sounds insane to most people, but it's a routine that works for us - and it certainly beats the morning tantrums that I experienced several times a week when I was working. Each family has to come up with their own routine - but I guarantee that once it's established, it will create a system of control that's manageable vs. the chaos that once ruled. Ultimately, my goal is to make sure that my daughter is a self-sufficient, regulated person on her own, but without the established routine, she seemed to flounder. Next up - letting her get out the door before she realizes that she doesn't have shoes on.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL
Sunday, April 4, 2010
April 4, 2010 - HAPPY EASTER!!
I love holidays - I love parties in general. I always go overboard, taking the time to decorate, set tables and plan games and activities. All of my daughters laugh at me - though they love it. And though they're older now - if they live in my house, the Easter Bunny leaves them a basket.
HOWEVER, for several years holidays were a scary proposition for us because they always ended in a huge tantrum by my daughter. From the time that she was four until she was ten or eleven, I don't think that there was a holiday that didn't end with me dragging her out kicking and screaming. To add to the stress, most of that time I also had to deal with my family thinking that she was spoiled and rude and that she somehow deserved it when another child hit her or the group ostracized her. All they saw was the end result, not the gradual building of anxiety that facilitated the tantrum. And I'll admit that for many years I didn't understand it either.
What I eventually learned about my daughter, even before her diagnosis of Asperger's, is - in those situations she was extremely over-stimulated. She couldn't handle the loud conversations, the loud laughter, the mix of people - all wanting to shake her hand or hug her at hello. She'd been attending big family parties since infancy, yet all of a sudden she couldn't handle it. She would start out well, but would soon start to act agitated, rejecting adult interaction (which made her seem "rude" to other adults and honestly, embarrassed me) and when I'd tell her to go play, she would ultimately end up in a skirmish with one of her cousins. Because she was crying and upset, I would try to quiet her down, which would make things worse because (and this is very important) I wasn't "hearing" her. She needed a voice, she needed to tell me what she felt and needed, but she didn't have the vocabulary to articulate that. She was just overwhelmed by anxiety and the tantrum would escalate to the point of my other daughter hurriedly grabbing all of our things and me physically dragging her out. Once she was away from the situation and calmed down, she would immediately become very remorseful, apologizing over and over. She didn't understand any better than I did why she behaved in such a way.
At first I started declining invitations, we would make plans for our family alone at holidays, or miss birthday parties - but my family, including my daughter, missed the big crazy family get-togethers. So, we came up with a trial plan that included her Nintendo DS and her earbuds. If she could make it through the hellos, she could sit somewhere and play her DS with her earphones in. And it worked! She wanted to be around others, and was able to be without the noise causing her anxiety. I also started making sure that there was a room where she could go to be alone for a while until she felt calm enough to re-join the party. This headed off the tantrum because she was self-aware enough to recognize when she was feeling anxious. Gradually she would join the other children, and move back and forth between her spot with the DS and the playroom. Once we had the diagnosis and I started researching and learning about her disorder, I understood that the touching, noise, smells and other stimuli were just too much without some sort of accommodations in place to make her comfortable. Other examples are no hugging without asking first (opening your arms and asking "can I have a hug" has become a staple at our get-togethers - and there can't be resentment if the answer is "no") and making sure that there's a food that she likes available so that she doesn't feel the pressure of trying to eat something that she can't stand. Another solution, which isn't always an option, is outdoor functions. The open space seems to really alleviate her anxiety. The weather was so good this year that we were able to do Thanksgiving in the backyard - this was a first for all of us, so it was fun for everyone.
Now, we host most of our family holiday get togethers. Not because of my daughter's needs, but because we love it. She loves the traditions (God help me if I try to change things around - Aspies are very regimented), loves the creativity of decorating and truly enjoys her family in her own way. Today we're hosting twenty-one family and friends - something that would have been impossible a couple of years ago. My daughter has planned all of the activities and plans on handling face painting on her own.
All of this has come from trial and error. It took us awhile to figure out what works and what doesn't and sometimes there are still tears and frustration, but the way that we handle the breakdowns and her recovery and ability to rejoin the group has become manageable. To add to the success of this part of our story - the fact that our family and inner circle has come on board with my daughter's disorder and they understand and respect her limitations - but most importantly they all love her just as she is.
So, Happy Easter and remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
HOWEVER, for several years holidays were a scary proposition for us because they always ended in a huge tantrum by my daughter. From the time that she was four until she was ten or eleven, I don't think that there was a holiday that didn't end with me dragging her out kicking and screaming. To add to the stress, most of that time I also had to deal with my family thinking that she was spoiled and rude and that she somehow deserved it when another child hit her or the group ostracized her. All they saw was the end result, not the gradual building of anxiety that facilitated the tantrum. And I'll admit that for many years I didn't understand it either.
What I eventually learned about my daughter, even before her diagnosis of Asperger's, is - in those situations she was extremely over-stimulated. She couldn't handle the loud conversations, the loud laughter, the mix of people - all wanting to shake her hand or hug her at hello. She'd been attending big family parties since infancy, yet all of a sudden she couldn't handle it. She would start out well, but would soon start to act agitated, rejecting adult interaction (which made her seem "rude" to other adults and honestly, embarrassed me) and when I'd tell her to go play, she would ultimately end up in a skirmish with one of her cousins. Because she was crying and upset, I would try to quiet her down, which would make things worse because (and this is very important) I wasn't "hearing" her. She needed a voice, she needed to tell me what she felt and needed, but she didn't have the vocabulary to articulate that. She was just overwhelmed by anxiety and the tantrum would escalate to the point of my other daughter hurriedly grabbing all of our things and me physically dragging her out. Once she was away from the situation and calmed down, she would immediately become very remorseful, apologizing over and over. She didn't understand any better than I did why she behaved in such a way.
At first I started declining invitations, we would make plans for our family alone at holidays, or miss birthday parties - but my family, including my daughter, missed the big crazy family get-togethers. So, we came up with a trial plan that included her Nintendo DS and her earbuds. If she could make it through the hellos, she could sit somewhere and play her DS with her earphones in. And it worked! She wanted to be around others, and was able to be without the noise causing her anxiety. I also started making sure that there was a room where she could go to be alone for a while until she felt calm enough to re-join the party. This headed off the tantrum because she was self-aware enough to recognize when she was feeling anxious. Gradually she would join the other children, and move back and forth between her spot with the DS and the playroom. Once we had the diagnosis and I started researching and learning about her disorder, I understood that the touching, noise, smells and other stimuli were just too much without some sort of accommodations in place to make her comfortable. Other examples are no hugging without asking first (opening your arms and asking "can I have a hug" has become a staple at our get-togethers - and there can't be resentment if the answer is "no") and making sure that there's a food that she likes available so that she doesn't feel the pressure of trying to eat something that she can't stand. Another solution, which isn't always an option, is outdoor functions. The open space seems to really alleviate her anxiety. The weather was so good this year that we were able to do Thanksgiving in the backyard - this was a first for all of us, so it was fun for everyone.
Now, we host most of our family holiday get togethers. Not because of my daughter's needs, but because we love it. She loves the traditions (God help me if I try to change things around - Aspies are very regimented), loves the creativity of decorating and truly enjoys her family in her own way. Today we're hosting twenty-one family and friends - something that would have been impossible a couple of years ago. My daughter has planned all of the activities and plans on handling face painting on her own.
All of this has come from trial and error. It took us awhile to figure out what works and what doesn't and sometimes there are still tears and frustration, but the way that we handle the breakdowns and her recovery and ability to rejoin the group has become manageable. To add to the success of this part of our story - the fact that our family and inner circle has come on board with my daughter's disorder and they understand and respect her limitations - but most importantly they all love her just as she is.
So, Happy Easter and remember...DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Friday, April 2, 2010
April 2, 2010 - IT'S OK!
I had the opportunity to go on a lovely trip to Half Moon Bay with my sister yesterday. It was a spur of the moment invitation and I had to leave right away to make a dinner that my sister was hosting. I really wanted to go - the thought of a hotel room on the beach, a bon fire, adult conversation and shopping was irresistible. But there were two glitches - the first, relatively easy to solve was that I'd promised my daughter that I'd take her to the zoo to see the new giraffe exhibit. My sister suggested that I just reschedule the zoo trip - my response -"yeah, it doesn't really work that way." I'd said that we would go and short of losing a limb, there was no rationalization that could get me out of it. So we went to the zoo early in the day, had a lovely time and got home in time for me to leave on my trip.
The second issue - not so easy for me to resolve. I was scared to death to leave my daughter overnight. What if she had a tantrum and my older daughter, who was staying with her didn't know what to do? What if my older daughter couldn't get her to eat? What if she couldn't sleep - would she know what to do? What if something that she had to have got lost? On and on and on I went with the "what ifs". But, I decided that I would go on the trip. I threw some things in a bag and started to head out the door, reciting instructions over and over again - I'm sure driving anyone within earshot insane. Then my daughter said "mom, why is it so hard for you to go have fun?" I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders (almost). Six months ago she would have been on the floor hysterical at the thought of me leaving her for the night, let alone for almost two days.
I still received a phone call at 1:30 am to let me know that she was going to bed and another the next afternoon to check in and see what time I would be home - and I could hear some anxiety in her voice - but she was sure to say "it's ok, mom - I'm ok". And you know what? It is - it's ok.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
The second issue - not so easy for me to resolve. I was scared to death to leave my daughter overnight. What if she had a tantrum and my older daughter, who was staying with her didn't know what to do? What if my older daughter couldn't get her to eat? What if she couldn't sleep - would she know what to do? What if something that she had to have got lost? On and on and on I went with the "what ifs". But, I decided that I would go on the trip. I threw some things in a bag and started to head out the door, reciting instructions over and over again - I'm sure driving anyone within earshot insane. Then my daughter said "mom, why is it so hard for you to go have fun?" I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders (almost). Six months ago she would have been on the floor hysterical at the thought of me leaving her for the night, let alone for almost two days.
I still received a phone call at 1:30 am to let me know that she was going to bed and another the next afternoon to check in and see what time I would be home - and I could hear some anxiety in her voice - but she was sure to say "it's ok, mom - I'm ok". And you know what? It is - it's ok.
Remember - DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Helpful Tips
SLEEP -
My daughter often has trouble getting sufficient rest at night, even with an appropriate number of hours of sleep. This isn't uncommon for children and indviduals with ASD. Her therapist suggested Melatonin before bedtime to help with the quality of her rest. After speaking with her physician, we started giving her one 300 mcg tablet about 10 minutes before bedtime and it's worked wonderfully. This is a dietary, natural supplement which is fast acting and non-addictive. Melatonin is relatively inexpensive and can be found at local WalMarts, drug stores and other vitamin and supplement shops.
My daughter often has trouble getting sufficient rest at night, even with an appropriate number of hours of sleep. This isn't uncommon for children and indviduals with ASD. Her therapist suggested Melatonin before bedtime to help with the quality of her rest. After speaking with her physician, we started giving her one 300 mcg tablet about 10 minutes before bedtime and it's worked wonderfully. This is a dietary, natural supplement which is fast acting and non-addictive. Melatonin is relatively inexpensive and can be found at local WalMarts, drug stores and other vitamin and supplement shops.
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